


How Do We Know?

by Tamasha



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dinosaurs, F/M, First Dates, Flirting, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Guilt, Happy Ending, Harassment, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kissing, Lawyers, Love, M/M, Modern Era, Museums, Nightmares, Protective Arthur, Relationship(s), Romance, Sweet, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 20:52:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7189772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin has only had one experience with sex, and it wasn't exactly ideal. Arthur just moved back into town and is hoping to rekindle his lost love with Merlin. Merlin was hoping to keep these things separate, but when his date with Arthur goes well, his secrets have their ways of popping up without warning.</p><p>TRIGGER WARNING: Rape, forced sex, no consent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Do We Know?

**Author's Note:**

> written by Tamara

It wasn't that she was stronger than Merlin, he just didn’t want to hurt her, maybe. "Just relax," she said, attempting a tone of reassurance, but all Merlin felt was dread. Not like this, he thought distantly. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. In the movies it was always sweet and slow. Often in lovemaking scenes there were candles or chocolates or soft music in the background. But those were movies. The rock band that played in the background had harsh tones and sharp edges that made Merlin uncomfortable. He recognized the irony of that as he was pushed onto the bed with a gentle shove.

Morgause pulled off his clothes skillfully. She had done this before, maybe not like this, but it was far from her first time. She was two years older than Merlin, even at 18 she was old enough to claim some more experience than her counterpart. Since he was a virgin, he figured Morgause taking the lead on things simply made sense. Merlin shuddered at the sudden cold, but mostly from the shame that washed over him. His small pale body was nothing compared to her sturdy tan frame and mature curves.

He looked away from her, focusing on the ceiling, wishing he had found a way to just tell her he didn’t want this. He had said "No," hadn’t he? He thought he had been clear with her, though she didn't get it, so it was his own fault. It was his fault. He wasn’t as confident as Lance, or as demanding as Gwaine, or as trustworthy as Arthur. It was Merlin’s own fault for being a coward who couldn't just tell someone, "No".

She spread his legs wide, reaching between them, and started talking to him in a low raspy voice. He wasn’t listening though; he drowned her out as the awful music that played for them filled his ears. He let that sound play over and over in his head like a rhythmic reminder that he had brought this on himself. Morgause continued to take what Merlin had thought was something he had control over.

"Please, no," he heard himself say under his breath. It was hardly a whisper, but Morgause just leaned in to whisper back in his ear, "You want this." She grabbed him forcefully and that's when Merlin blacked -

 

Merlin shot up in bed, frantic. It was just a dream. Just a dream. A horrible memory he had tried to forget... but now just a dream. He needed to forget. He had to do his best. The dark room slowly came into focus as Merlin tried to control his breathing, but it had become too rapid. Merlin hated the sinking feeling that came with panic attacks. His chest tightened and his head throbbed with the memory of that song still playing over and over. He wanted it to stop. Everything. The hyperventilating. The pain. The dreams. The music. Everything. He just needed to regain control.

That's it.

One.

Two.

Three.

His breath caught in this throat. One more, he told himself. With a shaky handle on his lungs, Merlin breathed at a slower rate. That's it. One more. His chest started to rise and fall, slower and slower. The music had stopped. His chest loosened. His head felt clear finally. Merlin hugged his knees and shut his eyes tight.

It was just a dream.

He just needed to forget.

It was all his own fault anyway.

 

~~~

 

The phone rang twice before Merlin could reach the front desk again. Arthur was upstairs in the storage room gathering some fossils for the new exhibit. Hastily, Merlin answered the phone on the last ring, "Thank you for calling the Natural History Museum of Cardiff, this is Merlin speaking. How may I help you?"

Arthur returned from the elevator right as Merlin pulled out a note pad and pen. The blond was carrying a box in his arms that he set down on the counter, smiling at Merlin. As Merlin recited the hours to the guest on the phone, Arthur pulled out a picture of a tridactyl that he began waving around in the air to get Merlin's attention. Stifling a giggle, Merlin directed the customer to the website, reciting the address from memory as he nodded enthusiastically to Arthur. The box had a fair selection of items from what Merlin could gather just by looking at it. Arthur moved the box over by the back desk as Merlin finished up his call.

After Merlin hung up, Arthur smiled, proudly. "I think there is a saber toothed tiger skull in there too. It's definitely a large cat of some kind. I bet Leon could name it. He could name them all for us easily enough I'm sure."

"Brilliant!" Merlin grinned at his friend's plan.

Arthur had started working with Merlin about four months ago since moving back to Cardiff. Arthur had given up on being a lawyer for his father's firm and moved in with his half-sister, Morgana, for the time being. The move didn't go over well with Uther, but Arthur had been coping well enough on his own, considering. In the meantime, he seemed to really enjoy the job Merlin had gotten him at the museum.

They had been friends for the better part of eight years, making it easy to fall back into a comfortable friendship with Arthur. Though Arthur had always been just out of reach for Merlin, he was still an easy person to get along with, and Merlin really liked having him around again. Arthur was just as Merlin had always remembered him. He was two years ahead of Merlin in school so the only class the they had together was journalism. Once they were in uni, they had only remained close because of skype, and even that had become rare. Being three hours apart meant that keeping in contact was left to letters and emails and rare opportunities to talk. It hadn’t been enough for Merlin, but it was all they had.

At one point they had been really good friends, but once Arthur had started dating Gwen, everything changed. Merlin backed off, realizing that he had misread the signals he thought had been clear from Arthur. It was easy to fall back into being friends, but a small level of hope had always remained within Merlin that one day he and Arthur could finally admit to each other how they felt. Merlin had always been bad with signals, though, hadn't he? So maybe all Arthur’s friendly advances were just him being exactly that: friendly. Nothing more. Arthur Pendragon was confident and assertive, Merlin would probably be able to tell if the other man was flirting.

"Get the brush so we can start cleaning these off," Arthur demanded in that sure but agreeable kind of way that only someone as beautiful as Arthur could pull off. It had been a long time since Gwen, and Arthur had even dated Gwaine in the meantime, so anything was possible, Merlin thought to himself as he pulled out the brushes from the cabinet behind Arthur. Either way, he was just glad to have Arthur back in Cardiff.

Merlin shook off his wandering thoughts and moved to hand Arthur the tools. "Here," he said shortly, mustering the power to hide his long-burning hope. It was, admittedly, a bit childish to believe he even had a chance with the great Arthur Pendragon.

"Thanks, Mr. Merlin." With that, Merlin’s chest tightened and he repressed his smile from surfacing. God, how did he still do that to Merlin after all this time?

They worked together cleaning the bones and fossils in silence. It was just another quiet day in the museum, nothing special at all. Merlin caught Arthur looking at him as they worked. This time Merlin didn’t repress the smile that came to his lips so naturally when Arthur looked at him that way. It felt so right.

 

~~~

 

Morgause cupped Merlin's jaw and kissed him rougher than Merlin had expected. "What do you say we mess around?" she asked, nearly purring the words.

Merlin had only agreed to go on the date because some people seemed to think that being gay was something Merlin needed to fix, along with his whole virginity problem. He didn’t believe any of that, but he had gone on the date nonetheless because everyone had insisted he would have a good time. He figured he had little to lose by simply going on a date with someone. Though he hadn't had a good time at dinner, Merlin thought that maybe back in a more private setting, they could find some common interests. It wasn't long before Merlin realized the subtext of the situation. Morgause's advances were becoming more and more problematic as the night went on. Between the hard couch and Morgause's body, Merlin had trouble pulling away when she started kissing him. "I don’t really want to -"

"Let me show you how good it can be, little man." Morgause pushed another kiss to Merlin’s mouth, trailing a hand down his body. She stopped just above his pants. "It's going to be so good for you."

Merlin recoiled at the touch of her hand to Merlin’s more intimate body parts. He felt dirty, like he had committed an act of sin, or treason. "Morgause, stop -" He couldn’t get the rest of his words out. He knew he needed to protest until she stopped. It was his responsibility to tell her, "No," since he was the one who didn't want it. He hadn’t actually said the word yet, so she wasn't raping him...

That was such an ugly word, anyway. Morgause hadn’t meant to do that. Yes, Merlin was reluctant, but he let her drag him to her room and strip him down... that was his fault for not being clear. He had forgotten in his confused state to tell her that simple word.

It was his fault. All his -

 

Merlin tossed to his side, holding his stomach in a tight embrace. He needed to calm down first before he could think straight. He sat up slowly when he realized he had successfully avoided a full blown anxiety attack. It wasn’t as bad as the night before, so Merlin decided he must be getting better.

He padded his way into the kitchen, leaving the lights out. Feeling his way into the fridge he pulled out his chocolate milk and poured himself a cup. The green numbers on the microwave clock read 1:45. Merlin wondered absently if Arthur would be awake at this hour.

What a silly thought to have.

Even if Arthur was awake he wouldn’t want to talk to Merlin. And what would Merlin say anyhow? There wasn't much to say other than things relating to the museum or to their past. But neither were topics that one would discuss at two in the morning. Merlin sighed as he finished off his milk. What the hell was he doing thinking of Arthur? He should go back to bed and forget about everything on his mind. He was determined to return to work tomorrow with a clear head.

 

~~~

 

"The Jurassic Era may have had different dinosaurs, but that movie remains the greatest dinosaur movie of all time, Merlin!"

In response, Merlin simply laughed. Arthur was getting so excited about a movie and it made him slightly more approachable than he normally came off.

"It's not funny, Merlin," Arthur said with a thinly veiled admiration. "This is serious."

"Sorry, but Land Before Time is a classic. Little Foot pretty much stomps out any argument you could possibly come up with simply by existing. No pun intended."

Arthur shook his head as if Merlin had made the most ridiculous argument possible. "You're unbelievably asinine, but in the best way."

"Thank you?" Merlin muttered, trying to decide how that made him feel.

Arthur reached a hand over the computer keyboard between them, and placed it on Merlin’s. "Don't let it go to your head, though."

"Wouldn't dream of it." What was Arthur doing? That was definitely flirting, wasn’t it?

Arthur moved to the front of the counter to sort out the brochures and pamphlets in the holders there. It was a quiet Wednesday morning, so they were the only two working. Only a few school groups were left in the museum and there wasn't another tour until 4 that afternoon.

"What are you doing tonight?"

Merlin thought maybe he was hearing things, but Arthur looked up from his task, earnestly awaiting Merlin’s reply. "Erm, nothing..."

"We should go see it."

"What?" Merlin asked stupidly.

Arthur laughed out loud, which echoed softly through the open space of the otherwise soundless museum. "Jurassic World. The movie we were just talking about it... it's what started our whole debate about greatest dinosaur movie of all time."

"Right," Merlin nodded.

"Are you really that stupid, or do you just pretend, to be cute?" Arthur asked, looking at Merlin a bit bashful. Bashful? That wasn’t an adjective typically reserved for Arthur Pendragon. "So, what do you say, Merlin? You want to go see the movie?"

"Like a date?" Merlin's eyes grew wide when he realized what words had accidentally fallen out of his mouth.

Arthur just shrugged, though. "Yeah, sure, Merlin. Like a date."

Merlin's heart actually skipped a beat. "I'd love to."

 

\----------

 

Arthur pressed the end-call button on his mobile with extra force, wishing he could do a good old fashioned hang-up with a slam on the receiver. Uther had just called to give Arthur a friendly reminder that his father was still exceedingly disappointed in all of Arthur’s life decisions. As if being gay and harassed at work were decisions Arthur had consciously made. Ever since Arthur had told his father that he would be leaving the firm because of endless harassment from fellow employees, Uther had been on a non-stop rampage of trying to convince Arthur he was making a huge mistake. Truth be told, Arthur had never wanted to be a lawyer anyway, but the harassment had just given him a solid reason to quit. Uther told Arthur that he needed to either suck it up or just not be gay. That's when Arthur decided to move back to Cardiff with Morgana.

Morgana had grown up with him up until Arthur turned seven. Her own mother had moved to Cardiff after the divorce in order to get away from Uther, but Uther had followed her. He had always said it was because he had more opportunities in Cardiff for clients, even though he had left a number of decent clients in London to chase after his dead marriage. When Arthur started uni, Uther moved back to London and told Arthur he had to work at his firm once he graduated. Arthur had planned on going back to Cardiff after he graduated to start med school there, but Uther insisted that was not the career path for Arthur.

Now that Arthur was safely away from his father, he felt a bit more at ease to be himself. Working with Merlin at the museum had come as such a relief. He wouldn’t have to worry about homophobic slurs when his only coworker was gay himself. Merlin had been so great ever since Arthur's move. Not only had he gotten Arthur a job, but he had also made a tremendous effort to keep Arthur from sulking alone in his room all day.

Throwing his phone to his bed, Arthur came crashing down after it. He really hated conversations with his father as of late, especially now when they were nothing more than arguments and yelling. Arthur really needed a drink. He was so grateful that he and Merlin would be going out tonight. It would be something to look forward to and an excuse to actually relax and forget about the problems he had left in London.

Arthur rolled to his side and picked up his phone again. He and Merlin had both left the museum at 5 and planned to meet again at 8. It was only 5:45. It hadn’t been that long since they had left each other, and he would see him soon enough, but Arthur still found that he wanted to call Merlin, just to hear his voice. God, that was a bit strange right? But Merlin had always had a special place in Arthur’s heart.

Merlin was his friend for a time before Arthur had started dating his first girlfriend, Gwen; then the two boys drifted apart inexplicably. There was a lot that was strange about that year. While dating Gwen, Arthur had come to the realization that he was not a sexual person, and Gwen found a sexual outlet through Lance, so they had broken up. Then almost a year later, Arthur and Gwaine had found a bottle of whisky in his dad's cupboard and one thing lead to the other. Once some alcohol was involved they easily slipped into some making out which led to many other things that night. After that, Arthur knew that he was indeed a sexual person, he just needed someone he was sexually attracted to. He and Gwaine remained everything but an "item" till graduation. Arthur was fine with not having labels because it made going away to different colleges so much easier. In uni, Arthur hadn’t dated anyone either. He was so ready for something substantial and real, not a friends with benefits kind of deal like he had had with Gwaine. He wanted something that would last, and Arthur could see that with Merlin, he just needed to be sure Merlin was interested in something like that as well.

Decidedly, Arthur pushed himself off the bed and moved to his closet. He wanted to look his best tonight. Merlin had seen him countless times, in a wide range of clothing, but never under the premise of a date. This was different; this was important. Arthur wanted to show Merlin that he had grown up, that he wasn’t the flighty kid Merlin had known when they were younger. This date needed to change everything, because Arthur was so ready for it to be real.

As he pulled out a freshly ironed red shirt, Arthur’s phone buzzed. He looked down at it to see Morgana’s name flash.

"Are you home?" she asked, before Arthur could even say anything, skipping the hello.

"How do you do that?" Sometimes Arthur could swear she was psychic.

Morgana groaned as if Arthur was wasting precious time. "You better still be there when I get back. I can't believe you are finally going on a date with someone. And with Merlin, no less. You better not fuck this up."

"Thanks for the faith, Morgana. Why do you need to be here for this?"

"See you in five," she huffed, hanging up.

Arthur wondered distantly why he had even told her, but he knew that he would soon be grateful for her tips, even if they came off a bit crass. That was just the way his sister was; she had always been like that and Arthur had always expected her honesty to keep him in line. He fiddled with the red shirt, still on the hanger and thought of how even if he was wearing the worst possible outfit, tonight would prove to be a good night. He was finally going out with Merlin Emrys.

 

~~~

 

Merlin was, without a doubt, the absolutely most impossibly handsome man on the planet. He was really sneaky with it, too. Sometimes it was in his smile or his laugh. Sometimes it was in the way he talked about something he was passionate about, with his hands waving all about. Sometimes it was in his concerned brow that furrowed when he said something he thought was particularly stupid. But his most alluring feature to Arthur had always been, and will always be, his eyes. Those deep blue eyes that are filled with the amount of passion and love that only Merlin can give to every single thing he takes on.

Arthur’s chin was resting on his hand as he stared at Merlin from across the table. They had gone to see the movie, as planned, and afterward went out to dinner. The date had, so far, gone pretty well, but Merlin seemed a bit more nervous than he normally was. Arthur watched his date carefully as he told Arthur all about this apparently famous painting that was going to be taken down from the National Gallery and how it was an abomination. He used that word, abomination. Arthur let out the chuckle he had been holding back. He couldn’t help it. Merlin made him laugh in the best possible way. Watching Merlin made something inside Arthur stir till it built up in his chest and became a chaotic mess swarming through Arthur that could only be released in a burst of laughter.

"What?" Merlin asked incredulously.

Arthur offered his hand out for Merlin to take. Merlin just looked at it. "You're adorable."

Merlin scoffed, but took Arthur’s hand anyway. "You confuse me, Arthur."

"Why is that?" Arthur asked conversationally.

"Because, if this were a real date, I might be falling in love with you right now."

Arthur didn’t allow himself to wonder why Merlin had thought that this wasn't a real date and instead gripped Merlin’s hand tighter. "It's a good thing this is a real date then."

Merlin’s eyes became wide. "It is? Oh. I mean. Yeah. Wait. Forget what I just said. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant it like as a joke. Because you were flirting and I thought you were kidding so I didn't mean that I was actually falling in love with you. I wouldn't... I mean not that I wouldn't. We work together. And you are an old friend. And you are going through a weird time. So I wouldn't expect..." Merlin finally wore himself out as Arthur watched, deciding whether he would stop the ridiculous rant Merlin had started. "Sorry. Can we start over?"

The restaurant was busy around them; they had only ordered water so Arthur made a decision. "Let's get out of here."

"Oh," Merlin said softly. "Okay."

They both stood up and Arthur took Merlin by the hand and led him to his car.

 

~~~

 

They had gone back to Arthur’s flat. Morgana was out for the evening, so they had the place to themselves. Once he had gotten Merlin out of the crowded restaurant, the other man seemed to relax a little. It was so strange being in such an intimate setting with Merlin after all the time that had passed. They were still friends throughout Uni, but admittedly Arthur hadn’t allowed himself to remain as close to Merlin as he had wanted. For one thing, he wanted to focus on school, and secondly, he was afraid he would grow too attached to someone whom he may have never seen again. But here they were, at last, on a date.

First Arthur had tried his usual tactics for impressing his date, but none seemed to work on Merlin. All Arthur’s flirtatious advances were shut down by a sarcastic remark. All his attempts to get Merlin to cuddle were received with a skeptical glance. Arthur had pulled out all the stops, even made dinner himself complete with candles and everything. Merlin just seemed confused, though he had hid it well. Eventually Arthur gave up his campaign and that's when Merlin finally became the Merlin that Arthur had been so close to once.

They talked all through dinner about the past, sharing inside jokes, reminiscing about old times. After dinner they moved to the living room where they had found Arthur’s yearbooks and mix tapes he had saved. They decided to watch an old recording of a football game where Merlin had been the mascot for the game. Both were practically rolling on the floor with laughter by the end of it. Arthur couldn’t remember the last time they had laughed like that. In fact, Arthur couldn’t remember the last time he had felt like this with anyone. It had always been Merlin who had made him most happy.

Finally, when they were settled on the couch, Merlin moved in to cuddled up to Arthur, which forced a smile from him. They had decided to watch The Fox and the Hound since it had always been their favorite movie. Merlin relaxed as Arthur placed his arm gingerly around Merlin. They fit together so easily, it was a wonder they had not done this before. Merlin hummed in contentment as Arthur’s fingers trailed down the other man's arm. Nothing had felt so right as holding Merlin in his arms.

"This is really nice," Merlin mumbled with his chin on Arthur's chest. "I'm glad you invited me out tonight."

"I'm glad you came." Arthur pulled Merlin up closer and looked down at him fondly. "You know, I've wanted this for a really long time."

"You have?" Merlin’s eyes grew wide.

Arthur chuckled at the sight. "God, you are so dense. Of course I did. I've practically been in love with you since I broke up with Gwen. Probably before that, but I was too stupid to see it."

Merlin sat up a bit, crossing his arms over Arthur’s stomach and looked back at Arthur incredulously. "Really? I've liked you for as long as I can remember," Merlin said as if he were reporting a current event.

"So this was a successful date then?"

"I'd say so," Merlin chuckled, settling back into Arthur’s hold. "I really missed you."

"Me too." Then Arthur kissed Merlin’s messy black hair, wishing he had done this sooner.

After the movie ended, Merlin sat up to change the settings, but Arthur pulled him back down. Without a word, Merlin looked into Arthur’s eyes, with his perfect deep dimples. Arthur kissed Merlin before he could second guess himself and Merlin eagerly kissed back. The credits rolled as the two men kissed one another. Arthur shifted positions and brought himself over Merlin on the couch. "God you are good at that," Arthur hummed with a smile.

"You too," Merlin agreed.

Kissing Merlin was nice, but mostly it felt safe. Arthur let any anxiousness he was feeling drift away as he pulled Merlin in. They moved together, frantic and controlled all at once. Their hands were everywhere, trying to grasp and touch as much as possible. Soon it became unbearable, and Arthur needed to get some release.

"Merlin?" he panted in Merlin’s ear. "Can we take this to the bedroom?"

"If you want," Merlin said, breathless.

Once in Arthur’s room their clothes practically fell off. This was years in the making and Arthur wasted as little time as possible. Merlin’s long, slender body was absolutely stunning. Arthur could see by the way Merlin held himself that he didn't think so. "Merlin," Arthur said gently as he moved in closer, wrapping his hands around Merlin’s face. "You are gorgeous, you know that?"

"Erm, thanks?" Merlin said, more of a question than a statement.

Arthur huffed in response and captured Merlin’s lips in his. They moved quickly to the bed, still locked in the others lips. Arthur traced his hands down Merlin’s body feeling the other man's tremor. Something didn’t feel right. Arthur pulled away to see Merlin shaking underneath him.

"You okay?" Merlin just nodded. "Am I going to fast?"

"It's fine," Merlin finally got out.

Arthur waited for a moment before he began kissing again, this time taking his time to really read Merlin’s movements. Where Arthur was frantic and needy, he realized Merlin was slow and hesitant. Arthur pulled away again, but this time rolled off Merlin. "Are you sure you’re okay? You're shaking."

"Just keep going, I know that's what you want."

Arthur furrowed his brows. "But is that what you want?"

Merlin flailed his arms about in frustration. "It's fine, Arthur. Just get on with it."

"No, I won't." Arthur sat up and found his shirt at the end of the bed. Pulling it over his head he said, "You don't want this."

"Arthur," Merlin whined. "I already said it's fine. Why are you being like this?"

"I don't want you to just be fine with it, Merlin, I want you to want it." Arthur could feel his frustration build, partly because Merlin wasn’t being honest, but mostly because he didn't want to think about why Merlin thought that his way of thinking was okay. "Do you want to have sex with me, Merlin?"

Merlin’s eyes went dark and he studied his hands. "Arthur, don't do that."

"Do what?" He threw Merlin’s boxers to him, grabbing his own and finding a shirt for Merlin.

As Merlin threw on the clothes Arthur had given him, he kept his eyes downcast. His breathing became erratic and fast. Something was definitely wrong and Arthur had to get to the bottom of it. "Merlin?"

"I don't want to ruin the night by not having sex with you."

Arthur's heart actually clenched with Merlin's words. How could Merlin think like this, think it was okay to just go along with something he was uncomfortable with just to make another person happy? And Arthur was certainly not okay with the thought of Merlin just going along with something to simply satisfy Arthur. "Merlin, you couldn't possibly ruin my night because you don't want to have sex with me. What gives you that idea?"

"Because you want to have sex so by me not letting you have it, I am disappointing you, right?" Merlin wasn’t looking up; it was clear he was beginning to understand how ridiculous his own words were sounding. Or at least Arthur hoped he was realizing that.

Arthur moved in closer to Merlin and took his hand. Softly he spoke, "Hey, look at me." Merlin did. "I don’t want you to ever do anything just because you think that I want to. I want both of us to be willing, you hear me? You can’t disappoint me, Merlin. I’ll willingly go at any pace you set, but we are doing this together, it's not just about me and what I want."

Suddenly Merlin burst into tears and grabbed Arthur’s shirt as he hugged him. Arthur didn’t know what else to do, so he just took Merlin in his arms and rubbed his back, soothing him the best he could. They sat like that for a moment before Merlin finally calmed himself. "Sorry," he murmured.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Arthur asked as he pulled both of them up to lean against the headboard. Merlin’s head came to rest on Arthur’s shoulder and their hands came together over his stomach.

Merlin took a few steady breaths before he spoke. "It's just so nice to be with someone as good as you, Arthur."

"It pains me that the simple act of asking you if you want sex is something you are surprised and grateful for." And it did. Arthur had to work hard to calm himself. Seeing Merlin like this made his insides riot.

Merlin shifted to look up at Arthur. "I've only had sex once... I, erm, this is embarrassing..."

"You don’t have to tell me if you don't want to, Merlin."

Merlin visibly swallowed. "I want to."

"Okay," Arthur said, clenching the blanket by his side.

Merlin sat up and looked at Arthur with a clear head, dried tears still stained his cheeks. "It was with Morgause. She wasn’t exactly what I wanted."

Arthur could feel his heart pound in his chest, anger welling up from within. "Did she force you into it?"

"Arthur..." Merlin said feebly.

"Did she?"

Merlin glanced away, playing with the sheet of the bed. "I don't think she meant to..."

"God," Arthur breathed. "Fuck. Merlin." Arthur couldn’t even form proper sentences. He wanted so badly to scream, yell at Morgause, or go back in time and take it back, or all of the above. He couldn’t imagine what Merlin was thinking. Arthur tried to remain calm, but his anger was building as he watched Merlin just sit there, despondent.

"Just don't... I know she was a girl -"

"That doesn't change anything. No one should do that to anyone. Ever. Fuck. Merlin..." Arthur deflated, realizing the only thing he could do for Merlin in that moment was simply be there for him, show him that not everyone was like that, that things could be better. "Come here." Merlin obeyed. "You didn’t deserve that." Merlin nodded, silent. "I am so sorry that that happened to you, " Arthur continued. "If you ever want to talk about it, you know I'm here."

"I know." Merlin said simply. "Thanks, Arthur." Tightening his grip, Merlin added, "I love you."

"I love you too," Arthur said as a matter of fact. "And I always will."

They stayed like that till both fell asleep, neither waking till morning. Arthur knew, waking up with Merlin, still draped over him, hot morning breath on his chest, that he could get used to this. Arthur never wanted Merlin to feel as if he had to do anything he didn’t want to do ever again, and he really hoped that that meant more mornings like this, just laying together exchanging body heat and nothing else but love.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even remember when I started this one or why, but I recently came across it again and thought I should finish it. Protective Arthur always makes me happy, but poor Merlin often suffers so that Arthur can be protective. :/


End file.
